Sologamy
Lord know how this happened, but it happened. I'll attempt to explain HOW it happened.
First of all, I've never had good luck with dating. My first boyfriend was Curtis Anderson in KG. My first girlhood love was Jacob Frueh. My first kiss AND French kiss was Brent Klinkenberg. My "first", um, you know, was Jason (piece of shit) Berg. Then, shortly thereafter, I has my first kid with Joshua Park. I dated here and there in my late teens to mid twenties, but I never REALLY cared about having a standard societally approved relationship. However, when I was 25 I woke up one day wanting to be girlier in wearing dresses, doing my hair and makeup, and dating. Was there something in the water? Did I accidentally drink a tainted Kool-aid? Who knows, but it happened.
I've done and experienced about everything in dating:
- Fell for the charming guys
- Dated the nerd
- Dated the chubby guy
- Dated the chubby nerd
- Dated guy with a kids and without
- Fell for the boy-next-door (whom I worked with)
- Fell for my best friend (who was madly in love with me)
- Fell for one of my college professors
- Dated a guy I walked past in a parking lot and thought "he could be my boyfriend!" (later that same night he messaged me on a dating app asking if he'd seen me at the grocery store earlier.)
- Date the pretty guy -like Colin Farrell gorgeous....two guys like this actually
- Dated the shaggy haired guy
- Dated a guy who, incidentally, looked like Captain America (super dumb though)
- Dated a couple of correctional officers
- Dated a couple nobodys
- Dated a couple off cooks/chefs
- Dated a drug addict/alcoholic (oops)
- Dated a couple of well-off guys
- Dated a rich guy
- Dated a couple of much younger guys by 8-10 years
- Dated a couple of older guys by 8-10 years
- Tried to date a couple of ladies; didn't get far
- Dated long-distance
- Dated in an open relationship
- Dated a guy I ended up sitting by at a pub who I apparently worked with 15 year prior.
- Dated people off of dating apps
- Dated people my friends set me up with
- Didn't look for anyone and someone popped up
And so on and so forth....I swear to god, I've tried, not tried, given up, gotten back out there, was overly understanding, didn't put up with shit, communicated, tried to let things go, didn't enable, changed, didn't change, bla bla bla. NOTHING has "worked."
I've come to find that I'm happy with it being just me. My favorite authors never had long-term "traditional" relationships (psst, I'm an author). I got pregnant at 16 by a sociopath. I went to college when my daughter was 8ish; I now have three degrees. I LOVE waitressing and do that while currently working in an office during the day. I don't traditionally stay with the same company for more than 1-2 years. I've had about every job under the sun. I'm interested by about everything. And after my daughter graduates this spring I'm going to sell all of my stuff and live with family and friends throughout the U.S. I also want to travel abroad, maybe join the Peace Corps., etc. I've never "fit inside the box." And as my dad has helped me write a paper about not only "thinking outside of the box", he and I avidly want to destroy the box.
Now, I've been pretty independent my entire life. I was a "spirited", let's say, young one. I really just needed someone to harness and channel my strength and will. I now fight for rights: for people to be treated well and fair and for those who claim to want that, but actually don't, to be called out and held accountable. I'll gladly take myself out to dinner and movies and read a book or write or essentially do what-ever-the-fucking-fuck I want. I have been single most of my adult life, except when I was raising my man-child boyfriend. The last guy I was "in love with" wanted me to move into his house very much sooner than later, stay in the Midwest, where I've been my ENTIRE LIFE, and pop him out some babies. He just wanted someone to love him and to love and to give him all the traditions he'd grown up with. I am just not a Basic Little Cookie. AND. I've done nothing the way I'm "supposed to" or in order of how it's traditionally supposed to be done. (SO WHY START NOW????)
I've joked that I go on dates with Hamlet, when I was reading it. Or that I always buy myself the best gifts because I know me so well. Basically, I love my own company. I am so far from co-dependent that when I do date it's because I want someone, not because I NEED them. I can be alone and be happy. I can also be in a relationship and be happy. I'm just more consistently happy when I'm not in a relationship because I don't have someone constantly letting me down or causing problems.
One boyfriend had anxiety, but instead of outright telling me,
even though I literally has just told him that I had anxiety, he
ghosted me, then lashed out at me, then pretended like nothing
happened, then lashed out at me again, then ghosted me again, and
then kept this rollercoaster of madness going until I just said I
wasn't going to put up with it anymore.
Another guy didn't believe that my baby daddy is a sociopath
and extremely manipulative, even though my teenage daughter
told him how manipulative her father was. He was like freaking Desdemona
from Othello in that he'd never interacted with someone who was that
manipulative that he thought I was the one who was crazy! Oof, did he learn
the hard way and later apologized to me for not believing it. However,
he also wanted to fix things, get back together and hugged me, kissed
me, asked how to not fuck it up again, then slept with me....
and promptly kicked me out of his house and tells people
I just "couldn't understand that it was over...." #P.O.S.
Most of the guys I've dated, however, I feel just want someone.
They don't really care who. They just want a relationship without
having to put any of the work into the relationship.
OR
For those arrogant fucks I've dated, they want someone to worship
them and the ground they walk on. One guy I dated, Bob, ugh... I
found out within a year of dating him that everything that "made him
unique", he essentially ripped off from nichey comics and shows. Every
HILARIOUS joke he told was essentially someone else's: I.T. Crowd (show),
CollegeHumor.com (videos), Misc. Comedians, etc. He was incredibly smart,
but he'd use his intelligence to portray himself as something he wasn't,
something he only could wish to be.
And that's what my Desdemona ex wanted: to start over with someone
else, someone that he could pretend to be the perfect guy to and have them
go, "Gosh, you're perfect. All of these girls were crazy and treated you
so badly and took you for granted!!!" Which, basically, he could learn
from his previous relationships and gaslight these women into thinking
he was perfect and just had bad luck and attracted crappy girls.
Here's a major reason why many of my relationships failed:
I am extremely hard on my significant others
because I'm hard on myself.
First of all, my daughter: A-MAZING!!! Why? Because, while I've been supportive and empathetic, I also push her to be the best person she can: learning from her mistakes, continually educating herself through interactions, reading, etc.. Have fun, but don't drop acid at a concert and then wonder why you lost your job. So many people THINK they are good people, but aren't. They crucify people who things they excuse themselves from. The most important thing for me is being SELF-AWARE. Am I being too hard on myself? Not hard enough? Am I enabling someone or assisting them? Am I being helpful or getting taken advantage of. Am I pushing my beliefs onto someone else or do I need to take a step back and just be there for them while understanding that we live different lives? Has my friendship with someone become toxic and I need to remove them from my life? Bla, bla, bla, etc. This is what people are talking about when they are telling others they have to love themselves before they can love another. Which, sorry, but most people can more easily love another than themselves. Hello, body shaming oneself, but building up others.
However, I'm not going to have a one-sided relationship. I'm not going to constantly work on myself, have my daughter be a rockstar, and have my significant other be a 2/10 when I feel I'm a 8/10 and even my kiddo understands and relates to the world better than the person who's supposed to be my PARTNER.
My father, of course, has known me all of my life. He and I have both agreed that we think I function best and am happiest "single." However, the term "single" connotates that one is uncoupled; available....for coupling. I constantly have to tell people that I'm:
Single but NOT Available
Or at least not in he sense that they want. I don't want long-term. I don't want traditional dating. If you tell someone you're single, they think you're waiting to find someone or seeking someone. Like you are half of a whole. I am whole myself. I am fulfilled. I am happy without being coupled. But, what do you call that? How do you say that you are not married, but not wanting to change that?
Sologamy
While sologamy can mean many different things, it basically means putting oneself first or marrying oneself. While marrying oneself is not legally recognized, I see it more of a celebration. Marking an important event.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sologamy Basic defnition
https://rare.us/rare-life/what-is-sologamy/ Silke Jasso seems to be a bitter angry, hateful person who can't be open to new ideas....
Why have birthday parties? Why have weddings and receptions? Why have graduation parties? Bachelor/ette parties? Friendsgivings? Christmas? Housewarming parties? Superbowl Parties?Gender Reveal Parties? People celebrate their goddamned pet's birthdays -why is a celebration of oneself committing to themselves such a problem? People even purposefully mourn on days their loved ones die. Celebrating a HEALTHY - CONSCIOUS - CHOICE is a great thing.
It's to CELEBRATE, duh!
Quit getting mad at people for doing things to make themselves happy. My friends and I took my daughter out to celebrate her getting her new job. My friends and I dressed hella-up for my 34th birthday party because I never have anywhere to get super-fancy dressed up to go to.
If someone, man or woman, wants to get themselves a ring and dress up and have a fucking party to celebrate committing to not ever committing to someone then fucking let them. I want a ring so people stop thinking I'm available to date. Plus, it's pretty. I've had people ask me why I have a ring on my left ring finger in pictures on dating sites if I say I'm single - well, because I wanted a ring on that finger, despite society saying that finger is reserved for me stating to the world that I'm married. I also wear fake glasses like people wear jewelry, headbands, makeup, ties, and any other freaking accessory or way to change one's appearance. I dye my hair. I cut it too. I flat iron it and curl it. I choose what I read and watch and what foods I wish to consume.
IT'S A CHOICE.
IT'S A STATEMENT.
IT'S SOMETHING THAT AFFECTS ME AND NOT YOU.
(unless you want to date me)
And for all of the people saying that "marrying yourself"
A. Isn't legal
and
B. Doesn't keep you from marrying someone
else in the future if you change your mind
NEITHER DOES GETTING MARRIED!!!
MARRIED PEOPLE CHEAT
MARRIED PEOPLE GET DIVORCED
PEOPLE WITH KIDS GIVE THEM UP
PEOPLE WITH KIDS GET THEM TAKEN AWAY
JOBS CAN BE LOST
MONEY CAN BE LOST/TAKEN
VALUES CAN BE COMPROMISED
BELIEFS CAN BE CHANGED
PROMISES CAN BE BROKEN
MINDS CAN BE ALTERED
NOTHING IS PERMANENT.
SO IF SOMEONE WANTS TO CELEBRATE
CHOOSING TO REMAIN SINGLE IN THE SAME
WAY ONE WOULD CHOOSING TO SHARE A LIFE
WITH ANOTHER PERSON
---GET OVER IT!!!!---
So, I picked a date to party: 8/8/2020. I am picking out a cheap wedding-style dress. I am getting myself a wedding band set. I am going to have my best friends give me a bachelorette party. My photographer for my books will attend AND take pictures (if she's available, I know it's kind short notice!). Basically, I will wear a pretty dress, have a pretty ring, and part with my friends and family, whomever want to attend. Also, since I'm going to be traveling the U.S. after my daughter graduates, I can take my dress with me and take pictures as I stop in each state with whichever of my family is in that state so people don't need to worry about taking off from work all at the same time. AND, since I'm going to be living everywhere and nowhere, no one needs to buy me gifts. If they want to get some something, they can put money towards my travels. Otherwise, no one NEEDS to spend a ton of money on outfits, gifts, the reception, etc. They can just be a part of something important in my life that I'm declaring.
I don't want to marry a significant other. I want people to stop asking if I'm single in that I'm available to court and marry. I also want pictures in a gorgeous dress. I want a wedding set. But I don't want the groom to go along with it! And, welcome to "Merica. I can do that. Also, #Merica, you can STFU about it if you don't want to be a part of it. I'm not impeding on your life. I'm not taking anything away from you by doing this. But I'll be damned if your closed mind is going to take away from me giving myself something that is going to make me happy. Something that does not harm anyone at that.
If you need ways to educate yourself on being a better person and developing an open, healthy, loving mind, message me and I'll point you in the right direction. You do not get to take away someone else's happiness because it doesn't fit your norms.
