Sologamy

Sologamy

     Lord know how this happened, but it happened. I'll attempt to explain HOW it happened.

     First of all, I've never had good luck with dating. My first boyfriend was Curtis Anderson in KG. My first girlhood love was Jacob Frueh. My first kiss AND French kiss was Brent Klinkenberg. My "first", um, you know, was Jason (piece of shit) Berg. Then, shortly thereafter, I has my first kid with Joshua Park. I dated here and there in my late teens to mid twenties, but I never REALLY cared about having a standard societally approved relationship. However, when I was 25 I woke up one day wanting to be girlier in wearing dresses, doing my hair and makeup, and dating. Was there something in the water? Did I accidentally drink a tainted Kool-aid? Who knows, but it happened. 

      I've done and experienced about everything in dating:

• Fell for the charming guys
• Dated the nerd
• Dated the chubby guy
• Dated the chubby nerd
• Dated guy with a kids and without
• Fell for the boy-next-door (whom I worked with)
• Fell for my best friend (who was madly in love with me)
• Fell for one of my college professors
• Dated a guy I walked past in a parking lot and thought "he could be my boyfriend!" (later that same night he messaged me on a dating app asking if he'd seen me at the grocery store earlier.)
• Date the pretty guy -like Colin Farrell gorgeous....two guys like this actually
• Dated the shaggy haired guy
• Dated a guy who, incidentally, looked like Captain America (super dumb though)
• Dated a couple of correctional officers
• Dated a couple nobodys
• Dated a couple off cooks/chefs
• Dated a drug addict/alcoholic (oops)
• Dated a couple of well-off guys
• Dated a rich guy
• Dated a couple of much younger guys by 8-10 years
• Dated a couple of older guys by 8-10 years
• Tried to date a couple of ladies; didn't get far
• Dated long-distance
• Dated in an open relationship
• Dated a guy I ended up sitting by at a pub who I apparently worked with 15 year prior. 
• Dated people off of dating apps
• Dated people my friends set me up with
• Didn't look for anyone and someone popped up

And so on and so forth....I swear to god, I've tried, not tried, given up, gotten back out there, was overly understanding, didn't put up with shit, communicated, tried to let things go, didn't enable, changed, didn't change, bla bla bla. NOTHING has "worked." 

     I've come to find that I'm happy with it being just me. My favorite authors never had long-term "traditional" relationships (psst, I'm an author). I got pregnant at 16 by a sociopath. I went to college when my daughter was 8ish; I now have three degrees. I LOVE waitressing and do that while currently working in an office during the day. I don't traditionally stay with the same company for more than 1-2 years. I've had about every job under the sun. I'm interested by about everything. And after my daughter graduates this spring I'm going to sell all of my stuff and live with family and friends throughout the U.S. I also want to travel abroad, maybe join the Peace Corps., etc. I've never "fit inside the box." And as my dad has helped me write a paper about not only "thinking outside of the box", he and I avidly want to destroy the box. 

     Now, I've been pretty independent my entire life. I was a "spirited", let's say, young one. I really just needed someone to harness and channel my strength and will. I now fight for rights: for people to be treated well and fair and for those who claim to want that, but actually don't, to be called out and held accountable. I'll gladly take myself out to dinner and movies and read a book or write or essentially do what-ever-the-fucking-fuck I want. I have been single most of my adult life, except when I was raising my man-child boyfriend. The last guy I was "in love with" wanted me to move into his house very much sooner than later, stay in the Midwest, where I've been my ENTIRE LIFE, and pop him out some babies. He just wanted someone to love him and to love and to give him all the traditions he'd grown up with. I am just not a Basic Little Cookie. AND. I've done nothing the way I'm "supposed to" or in order of how it's traditionally supposed to be done. (SO WHY START NOW????)

     I've joked that I go on dates with Hamlet, when I was reading it. Or that I always buy myself the best gifts because I know me so well. Basically, I love my own company. I am so far from co-dependent that when I do date it's because I want someone, not because I NEED them. I can be alone and be happy. I can also be in a relationship and be happy. I'm just more consistently happy when I'm not in a relationship because I don't have someone constantly letting me down or causing problems. 

One boyfriend had anxiety, but instead of outright telling me, 

even though I literally has just told him that I had anxiety, he

ghosted me, then lashed out at me, then pretended like nothing 

happened, then lashed out at me again, then ghosted me again, and

then kept this rollercoaster of madness going until I just said I 

wasn't going to put up with it anymore.

Another guy didn't believe that my baby daddy is a sociopath

and extremely manipulative, even though my teenage daughter

told him how manipulative her father was. He was like freaking Desdemona 

from Othello in that he'd never interacted with someone who was that

manipulative that he thought I was the one who was crazy! Oof, did he learn

the hard way and later apologized to me for not believing it. However,

he also wanted to fix things, get back together and hugged me, kissed

me, asked how to not fuck it up again, then slept with me....

and promptly kicked me out of his house and tells people

I just "couldn't understand that it was over...." #P.O.S. 

Most of the guys I've dated, however, I feel just want someone.

They don't really care who. They just want a relationship without

having to put any of the work into the relationship.

OR

For those arrogant fucks I've dated, they want someone to worship

them and the ground they walk on. One guy I dated, Bob, ugh... I 

found out within a year of dating him that everything that "made him

unique", he essentially ripped off from nichey comics and shows. Every

HILARIOUS joke he told was essentially someone else's: I.T. Crowd (show),

CollegeHumor.com (videos), Misc. Comedians, etc. He was incredibly smart, 

but he'd use his intelligence to portray himself as something he wasn't, 

something he only could wish to be. 

And that's what my Desdemona ex wanted: to start over with someone

else, someone that he could pretend to be the perfect guy to and have them

go, "Gosh, you're perfect. All of these girls were crazy and treated you

so badly and took you for granted!!!" Which, basically, he could learn 

from his previous relationships and gaslight these women into thinking

he was perfect and just had bad luck and attracted crappy girls.

     Here's a major reason why many of my relationships failed:

I am extremely hard on my significant others

 because I'm hard on myself.

First of all, my daughter: A-MAZING!!! Why? Because, while I've been supportive and empathetic, I also push her to be the best person she can: learning from her mistakes, continually educating herself through interactions, reading, etc.. Have fun, but don't drop acid at a concert and then wonder why you lost your job. So many people THINK they are good people, but aren't. They crucify people who things they excuse themselves from. The most important thing for me is being SELF-AWARE. Am I being too hard on myself? Not hard enough? Am I enabling someone or assisting them? Am I being helpful or getting taken advantage of. Am I pushing my beliefs onto someone else or do I need to take a step back and just be there for them while understanding that we live different lives? Has my friendship with someone become toxic and I need to remove them from my life? Bla, bla, bla, etc. This is what people are talking about when they are telling others they have to love themselves before they can love another. Which, sorry, but most people can more easily love another than themselves. Hello, body shaming oneself, but building up others. 

However, I'm not going to have a one-sided relationship. I'm not going to constantly work on myself, have my daughter be a rockstar, and have my significant other be a 2/10 when I feel I'm a 8/10 and even my kiddo understands and relates to the world better than the person who's supposed to be my PARTNER. 

     My father, of course, has known me all of my life. He and I have both agreed that we think I function best and am happiest "single." However, the term "single" connotates that one is uncoupled; available....for coupling. I constantly have to tell people that I'm:

Single but NOT Available

Or at least not in he sense that they want. I don't want long-term. I don't want traditional dating. If you tell someone you're single, they think you're waiting to find someone or seeking someone. Like you are half of a whole. I am whole myself. I am fulfilled. I am happy without being coupled. But, what do you call that? How do you say that you are not married, but not wanting to change that?

Sologamy

While sologamy can mean many different things, it basically means putting oneself first or marrying oneself. While marrying oneself is not legally recognized, I see it more of a celebration. Marking an important event.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sologamy Basic defnition

https://rare.us/rare-life/what-is-sologamy/ Silke Jasso seems to be a bitter angry, hateful person who can't be open to new ideas....

https://www.bbc.com/news/business-42415394

Why have birthday parties? Why have weddings and receptions? Why have graduation parties? Bachelor/ette parties? Friendsgivings? Christmas? Housewarming parties? Superbowl Parties?Gender Reveal Parties? People celebrate their goddamned pet's birthdays -why is a celebration of oneself committing to themselves such a problem? People even purposefully mourn on days their loved ones die. Celebrating a HEALTHY - CONSCIOUS - CHOICE is a great thing.

It's to CELEBRATE, duh!

Quit getting mad at people for doing things to make themselves happy. My friends and I took my daughter out to celebrate her getting her new job. My friends and I dressed hella-up for my 34th birthday party because I never have anywhere to get super-fancy dressed up to go to. 

If someone, man or woman, wants to get themselves a ring and dress up and have a fucking party to celebrate committing to not ever committing to someone then fucking let them. I want a ring so people stop thinking I'm available to date. Plus, it's pretty. I've had people ask me why I have a ring on my left ring finger in pictures on dating sites if I say I'm single - well, because I wanted a ring on that finger, despite society saying that finger is reserved for me stating to the world that I'm married. I also wear fake glasses like people wear jewelry, headbands, makeup, ties, and any other freaking accessory or way to change one's appearance. I dye my hair. I cut it too. I flat iron it and curl it. I choose what I read and watch and what foods I wish to consume. 

IT'S A CHOICE.

IT'S A STATEMENT.

IT'S SOMETHING THAT AFFECTS ME AND NOT YOU.

(unless you want to date me)

And for all of the people saying that "marrying yourself" 

A. Isn't legal

and

B. Doesn't keep you from marrying someone

else in the future if you change your mind

NEITHER DOES GETTING MARRIED!!!

MARRIED PEOPLE CHEAT

MARRIED PEOPLE GET DIVORCED

PEOPLE WITH KIDS GIVE THEM UP

PEOPLE WITH KIDS GET THEM TAKEN AWAY

JOBS CAN BE LOST

MONEY CAN BE LOST/TAKEN

VALUES CAN BE COMPROMISED

BELIEFS CAN BE CHANGED

PROMISES CAN BE BROKEN

MINDS CAN BE ALTERED

NOTHING IS PERMANENT. 

SO IF SOMEONE WANTS TO CELEBRATE 

CHOOSING TO REMAIN SINGLE IN THE SAME

WAY ONE WOULD CHOOSING TO SHARE A LIFE

WITH ANOTHER PERSON

---GET OVER IT!!!!---

     So, I picked a date to party: 8/8/2020. I am picking out a cheap wedding-style dress. I am getting myself a wedding band set. I am going to have my best friends give me a bachelorette  party. My photographer for my books will attend AND take pictures (if she's available, I know it's kind short notice!). Basically, I will wear a pretty dress, have a pretty ring, and part with my friends and family, whomever want to attend. Also, since I'm going to be traveling the U.S. after my daughter graduates, I can take my dress with me and take pictures as I stop in each state with whichever of my family is in that state so people don't need to worry about taking off from work all at the same time. AND, since I'm going to be living everywhere and nowhere, no one needs to buy me gifts. If they want to get some something, they can put money towards my travels. Otherwise, no one NEEDS to spend a ton of money on outfits, gifts, the reception, etc. They can just be a part of something important in my life that I'm declaring. 

I don't want to marry a significant other. I want people to stop asking if I'm single in that I'm available to court and marry. I also want pictures in a gorgeous dress. I want a wedding set. But I don't want the groom to go along with it! And, welcome to "Merica. I can do that. Also, #Merica, you can STFU about it if you don't want to be a part of it. I'm not impeding on your life. I'm not taking anything away from you by doing this. But I'll be damned if your closed mind is going to take away from me giving myself something that is going to make me happy. Something that does not harm anyone at that. 

If you need ways to educate yourself on being a better person and developing an open, healthy, loving mind, message me and I'll point you in the right direction. You do not get to take away someone else's happiness because it doesn't fit your norms. 

I Hate Meal Prepping, But Here's How To Do It

So Many Meals to Make/Eat, So Little Time!

     I meal prep, occasionally, because it's healthier (groan), cost efficient, and I don't spend the majority of my measly 30 minute lunch at work picking up food or paying extra for delivery. I also don't have to coordinate with other people in the office on who's getting what food from where and hope I have cash or see who has Venmo (Dear everyone, fucking get Venmo!).
   
     Thank you Facebook for your wonderful (sometimes oddly creepy), but helpful suggestions! Because this baby popped up (see below) and I was like YAAAAAASSSS!!!

https://www.amazon.com/Chicago-Metallic-26783-Professional-12-5-Inch/dp/B00WDZOPII/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=2JTVPY28XWPJU&keywords=lasagna+trio+pan&qid=1572290435&sprefix=lasagna+trio+pan%2Caps%2C151&sr=8-1-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUFBTE9DSThQOElKWTcmZW5jcnlwdGVkSWQ9QTA3ODA3NzczTE5aWFJONTcxUjc5JmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTA2Njc4MzIzUEhFOEtHQjZVVlJOJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfYXRmJmFjdGlvbj1jbGlja1JlZGlyZWN0JmRvTm90TG9nQ2xpY2s9dHJ1ZQ==

     What do I put in this magical time-saver?? I buy either a 3-pack pack of plain chicken or a shitton of chicken (the mini sliced up ones) or pre-seasoned chicken that typically comes in a 3 pack:

3-pack: If I buy a three pack of unseasoned chicken I typically filet them (cut them in half) because one piece is too thick for me to eat in one sitting. Then I put the two halves into each slot, add a veggie mix (I prefer carrots and broccoli), and then top them off with the sauce mix of my choosing, unless I buy Hy-Vee's pre-seasoned chicken:

These guys have been a lifesaver! I'm so bad at seasoning things and I don't have the extra time to take to marinate anything the night or two before, so I just pick up some of these bad boys and pour them over my chicken and/or veggies. 

Then I pop everything into the oven for a hour and BAM! Three different flavored dishes ready to go into my sweet Dollar Tree Tupperware (you know, the dollar store where everything is only a DOLLAR; fuck the Dollar General, I may as well go to Wal-Mart!):

I don't spend a ton of money on this "meal prep" kits because these work just fine and if something happens to them, I'm not out a bunch of money and it's inexpensive to replace them. And so far they've held up just as well as any other Tupperware.  

In addition to my sweet $1 Tupperware, I bought these fillable shampoo bottles from the Dollar Tree and I put different kinds of salad dressing in them because you get a 3 pack for $1! opposed to buying the smaller made-for-salad-dressing containers, which I feel don't hold as much and then I get way more bang for my literal buck:

I'm also, then, not taking up a bunch of room in the shared work fridge by leaving an entire container of dressing, or multiple, and I have a variety of dressings! I also put salsa in one for my taco meat concoction; see below! 

"Tacos": I make taco meat on the stove top while my chicken bakes and throw it in one of those divided containers: 

That way I can keep my taco meat and cheese/lettuce separate! Then I either warm my taco shells in the microwave or bring chips and eat my tacos more like a taco salad, scoopin' the fixin's!

Pre-Seasoned: And if I buy Hy-Vee's pre-seasoned chicken then I just have to plop them into the trio pan and bake. I can then throw some veggies and my own seasoning: butter, salt, Cookies seasoning, and/or the Campbell's seasoning pictured up above, etc. into its own row: one kind of seasoned chicken, other kind of seasoned chicken, and veggies, then bake em all for a hour. Typically on 350 by the way.   

     Mind you, I'm not a fitness person, dietitian, or anything like that. I'm just a girl with three jobs, a teenager, and very little time. I also have only done this a couple times because I work so much and pick up so many shifts that I've sometimes screwed myself out of even the mere hour it takes that I have to be awake to do all of this. 

You're talking to the girl who recently washed, dried, and put away her darks, but then only managed to wash her colors, then her roommate put them in the dryer and then her laundry basket for it to sit there for 4 days resulting in me having to redry them to get the wrinkles out from abandoning them for so long. I do A LOT of: work, work, shower, sleep, work, work, bathe, sleep, work, work, donate plasma, bathe, sleep, work, work, work, coma sleep...lather rinse repeat, until I either get 1/2 a day off to do any combination of the following: laundry, clean the bathroom, pick up my room, go through my things for consignment, read, write, take things to consignment, volunteer, see my friends, call my family members, attend my daughter's sports stuff, hang out with my daughter, participate in whatever holiday thing is currently going on, vacuum, (I NEVER dust), love on my kittens (roomie usually heads that one up), watch a show/movie, run misc. errands, workout??? HA!....did I forget anything? Most likely.

Yes, I fell upon this merely by Facebook suggestion and was like, "I don't like noodles (or anything with that texture: lasagna, as the pan is designed for), but I could totally cook three different kinds of chicken at the same time in it so I don't get tired of eating the same thing three days in a row! WIN!!!

Oo, throw some Cookies seasoning on it, then cook it for 20 min., dump some Ragu or knock-off Ragu sauce on it, throw it back in for 20 minutes, and then dump a fuckton of mozzarella cheese on it and bake it for another 5-10 minutes. That totally fucked me out of a nap because of the back and forth, but I did lie down for those 20, 20, and 10 minute increments.